Don't know what to write...

I remember I started a diary in secondary school because I didn’t want to forget. I wanted to be able to look back and remember the past I had. Things I have lost and gained. How I have grown and changed. I’m not sure whether I’ll look at my past in joy , pity or sorrow. What I wanted is probably to cherish and savour the minutes and hours I’ve lived, every inch I’ve walked on earth.

But it’s not the same anymore. Words don’t come out as easily. Neither does tears. They’re all bottled up, sealed in a package and mailed to an unknown, faraway place deep down my heart. To be sunk, never to be located, touched or opened again. But there’s a rock bottom even in the deepest of oceans, and all our troubles, worries and insecurities can never disappear. They’ll just pile up silently-- insignificant dust particles that you clean up today only to find another layer forming tomorrow.
There are times where I want to dig up all the mess, to let it all out. To tell someone how lost I am, how scared I am, how disgusted I am, how upset I am. Of the future, of my life, of everything -- all the ramblings in my heart, no matter how silly and frivolous they are. But my screams turned silent before they reach my throat--struggling, choked and eventually turning cold, strangled by the monster called ‘reason’.

All the words I want to say, all my thoughts and feelings are rash, hurtful, inconsiderate and selfish. I know perfectly what I should do, how I should behave, how I should compromise to make people around me and probably myself happy. I should be mature, I should be considerate, I should be accommodating… And it’s precisely because I know that I can’t bring myself to say the words out aloud.

So I’m smiling. I don’t mind. Nothing’s bothering me. Everything’s fine, everything’s okay,. Everything’s just… suppressed. I write only to find myself not knowing where to start, how to start. I write only to find my heart sealed with carefully phrased and decorated words. As one grows up, words don’t mean a thing anymore. Because people no longer listen, they no longer understand.