Dear Greeny Breeny,
It's funny how crushes work. Its coming close to 7 years since I've liked you. Dont worry no obsession but no one else has even come close to making me fall head over heels like i did with you.
Sometimes I wonder what made me fall for you. I guess it happened the first day in our english class when you walk..no scratch that stroll in late to class and all heads turn to see who had the nerve to come to class late the first day. Somehow that feeling is indescribable...a rush came over me felt like I knew you from somewhere before but that is impossible. We're both from different ends of the country one in the far end north while the other is far down south.
I guess the saddest part about me falling for you is not the impossibility of being with you...which is true but the inferiority I have acquired through this past 8 years from being an 18 year old girl to one who is turning 25 in less than a month. Having a close friend in college then who was the most sort after girl made me realize you will never liked me. I have nothing to offer compared to my friend who was the full package, pretty, smart, kind and everything you could ever want.
I read this article or rather a post secret posting on a guy falling for a girl for 6 years and never had the guts to tell her...and reading the comments made me realize many of us are in the same boat. Secretly, in my heart I wish this guy would read the comments, which he may not have seeing that it's in post secret archives and not the main page..that he would approach her even if it's been 6 years...sometimes it takes some effort to achieve what we really want. Maybe there would be a happy ending to his story if he did. It's amazing how a small picture could touch so many hearts and make others pour their heart out to others.
Unfortunately....I would never have the guts to say it out loud...Its been a touch 4 years living in the States but I wish you all the happiness in the world..........
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
100.
Because my greatest talent is to fall for the wrong guys always...and I can't seem to break the cycle
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Monday, December 15, 2008
Slumber
I woke up from my slumber
to find the remnants of memories
hung up glaringly on the wall
I screamed,
only to hear the pathetic echo of my hollow voice
This room has long been empty
I have slept a thousand years.
to find the remnants of memories
hung up glaringly on the wall
I screamed,
only to hear the pathetic echo of my hollow voice
This room has long been empty
I have slept a thousand years.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The End.
To cling upon a mist...makes falling down hurts the most...it brings the world down...to know that you could try as hard as you wish to grasp upon it...merely feeling it slipping away....slight breeze...slight memory...
I hate feeling this way but I did and still do now knowing what I had just known...knowing that what was once a clinging memory is now a mere blur....for this is truly the end...two worlds apart...never to brush shoulder upon again...
I hate feeling this way but I did and still do now knowing what I had just known...knowing that what was once a clinging memory is now a mere blur....for this is truly the end...two worlds apart...never to brush shoulder upon again...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Hate-hate-hate-hate-love
For the past few days, I have been bumping into people that I met from this course I really hated when I was in school.
I remembered how much I condemned the course for being like real-world society (well, you can say I'm autistic and antisocial).
Every lesson was like a networking session where people put on fake smiles and make small talk, just to get a partner for the next assignment (There's this rule that you have to work with totally different people for each assignment) And I hated networking and all bonds fake. To me, putting on a fake smile is like a chore, making conversation with people who you don't care about, or conversing on topics doesn't interest you is a painful task.
After the course, I realised it wasn't that bad after all. Hey, I've learnt so much more than just sitting down listening to the droning away of the lecturers. I've gained plenty hands on experience, that has proved to be very useful now. And most surprisingly, I found that my classmates are actually nice peeps. They wished me happy birthday, even though I only talked to them once or twice (even though it might be a just a social networking thing) They waved and said hi when I walked past them, and when I bump into them, we actually did catch up and talk about what we've been doing recently. It's a nice, warm and fuzzy feeling. Especially when you take into account the fact that, here in school, people you've worked with in your previous classes basically just forgot you existed once the class is over, they can't even recognise you when you walk past them in school!
I was pondering about this when I remembered this group I worked with in one of my classes. It wasn't the most pleasant experience working with them, because I ended up doing everything, and I remembered grumbling and complaining to myself that I was down in luck to have met such group members. Yet again surprisingly, we kept in touch and met for lunch once in school, even though we are not taking the class anymore.
If I was given one more chance, I would have taken the course more seriously, went to classes more often and get to know more of my classmates. But who knows, even if time did turn back, I might still be the same old me with the same old attitude hating the course.
It's kind of intriguing that the things that you hated the most turn into memories and experience that you cherished the most. And things that appeal to you, things that you thought you would love, turns out to be no big deal after all. It might be the theory of relativity but I guess, life is irony, after all.
I remembered how much I condemned the course for being like real-world society (well, you can say I'm autistic and antisocial).
Every lesson was like a networking session where people put on fake smiles and make small talk, just to get a partner for the next assignment (There's this rule that you have to work with totally different people for each assignment) And I hated networking and all bonds fake. To me, putting on a fake smile is like a chore, making conversation with people who you don't care about, or conversing on topics doesn't interest you is a painful task.
After the course, I realised it wasn't that bad after all. Hey, I've learnt so much more than just sitting down listening to the droning away of the lecturers. I've gained plenty hands on experience, that has proved to be very useful now. And most surprisingly, I found that my classmates are actually nice peeps. They wished me happy birthday, even though I only talked to them once or twice (even though it might be a just a social networking thing) They waved and said hi when I walked past them, and when I bump into them, we actually did catch up and talk about what we've been doing recently. It's a nice, warm and fuzzy feeling. Especially when you take into account the fact that, here in school, people you've worked with in your previous classes basically just forgot you existed once the class is over, they can't even recognise you when you walk past them in school!
I was pondering about this when I remembered this group I worked with in one of my classes. It wasn't the most pleasant experience working with them, because I ended up doing everything, and I remembered grumbling and complaining to myself that I was down in luck to have met such group members. Yet again surprisingly, we kept in touch and met for lunch once in school, even though we are not taking the class anymore.
If I was given one more chance, I would have taken the course more seriously, went to classes more often and get to know more of my classmates. But who knows, even if time did turn back, I might still be the same old me with the same old attitude hating the course.
It's kind of intriguing that the things that you hated the most turn into memories and experience that you cherished the most. And things that appeal to you, things that you thought you would love, turns out to be no big deal after all. It might be the theory of relativity but I guess, life is irony, after all.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Being Busy..
It's scary when you are busy coping with work and getting on with life.. You find yourself slowly robbed of certain things. Things leaving you one by one, and you can't do anything but watch them disappear. From something trivial like forgetting the name of your friend's big crush whom he has been talking about day in and day out.. to those precious memories you once held so dear, and those acts of impulse and burst of feelings. Nothing seems to touch my heart anymore. I try so hard to remember who I am, to dig out the remnants of my heart, to feel once again. But I realise, I'm trying just for the sake of trying, feeling just for the sake of feeling. I've become numb, maybe temporarily, too busy to think or to feel. Or maybe I'm just escaping under the grand magnificent excuse of being busy. I'm watching a slow death. A part of me died. I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know me anymore.
Things I'm so gonna do when I get my pay!
1. Book my Taiwan trip (as you know, I took my Taiwan fund to pay my bank loan T_T)
2. Clear my piling debts (big amount from Mum, small dinner debt frm friend)
3. Pay my freakin Internet bills (I haven't paid for like erm.. half year? My fren is paying for me now)
4. Pay my phone bill (Haven't paid for one month only.. ^^"v)
5. Get a haircut!! (My hair is like lalang now sobz)
6. Buy a nice bottle of body shampoo (The Victoria's Secret one finish already...no money to buy new one)
7. Treat myself to something nice
8. Should I treat back my frens who have been belanja-ing me all this while? (see la I cheapskate, freeloader.. sighz.. =_=)
Hope I get my pay soon.. if not this list will definitely get longer sigh... pray pray good luck to me!
2. Clear my piling debts (big amount from Mum, small dinner debt frm friend)
3. Pay my freakin Internet bills (I haven't paid for like erm.. half year? My fren is paying for me now)
4. Pay my phone bill (Haven't paid for one month only.. ^^"v)
5. Get a haircut!! (My hair is like lalang now sobz)
6. Buy a nice bottle of body shampoo (The Victoria's Secret one finish already...no money to buy new one)
7. Treat myself to something nice
8. Should I treat back my frens who have been belanja-ing me all this while? (see la I cheapskate, freeloader.. sighz.. =_=)
Hope I get my pay soon.. if not this list will definitely get longer sigh... pray pray good luck to me!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
So this is it...
You'll never realize the meaning of lonely as it only creeps upon you as you sit in a corner far behind the back of the building hallway....as loud, cheers, laughters, and chatters fill the other end of the hall...and that's when you realize;
"oh it's lunchtime already? boy I'm hungry"
and trotters along to the loud noisy hallway,blending in the atmosphere and the sea of people,
"for belly filling joy"
Seriously,...might have been that I've lived too much by myself...that it doesn't bother me as much anymore about the art of mingling... It might just dawn upon me how much I miss having company to get my schedule up straight as exhaustion seeps upon me.
leave home to catch the bus to campus 6 miles away, attend classes one after another, still getting lost along the way every once in a while, slowly leafing through my file, in search of the campus map provided during late students orientation only to be kindly asked by passerby if I needed help with direction before my eyes could skim through the map.
All worn out by the end of class, would then trudge home and up the flights of stairs, get changed, and lay on bed...lifeless...ahh bed time comes early this past week. I'll then be dead to the world till the clock strikes twelve...ironic how uncinderellaish my body would awaken itself....then off i would go to the bathroom for one quick shower...
Upon returning to my room...I'm more or less often greeted by a knock on my foor....housmie just dropping by to say hi....then it's back to staring at notes, textbooks, assignments.....and hurried pen scrawls etching upon paper with chicken scrawls and pen smudges to complete the day's work....in an effort to beat time at it's own game...
ahh....then off the cycle begins....of a brand new day....
This past week, I've realized how my infatuation has slowly seeped away and my infatuation towards greeny has slowly dwindled down to nothingness..as though it too, has been chucked far into the trash bins as I cleared out and sorted my life to move 480 miles way just one week before....so much so I can't differentiate my feelings towards it anymore...no sadness no pain, just silence and so I lied back then when you asked when I claimed I no longer felt an ounce of pain, just silence...of infatuation towards him then, as it was like a silent addiction....which only creep it's way up in those cold bitter winter nights...when the mind is but an empty vast of mindless thoughts...
So here's a toast...to a brand new beginning, a slate wiped clean...and here's one last toast, to the diminishing infatuation....may you find the world of happiness in your life along the journey of life greeny....
"oh it's lunchtime already? boy I'm hungry"
and trotters along to the loud noisy hallway,blending in the atmosphere and the sea of people,
"for belly filling joy"
Seriously,...might have been that I've lived too much by myself...that it doesn't bother me as much anymore about the art of mingling... It might just dawn upon me how much I miss having company to get my schedule up straight as exhaustion seeps upon me.
leave home to catch the bus to campus 6 miles away, attend classes one after another, still getting lost along the way every once in a while, slowly leafing through my file, in search of the campus map provided during late students orientation only to be kindly asked by passerby if I needed help with direction before my eyes could skim through the map.
All worn out by the end of class, would then trudge home and up the flights of stairs, get changed, and lay on bed...lifeless...ahh bed time comes early this past week. I'll then be dead to the world till the clock strikes twelve...ironic how uncinderellaish my body would awaken itself....then off i would go to the bathroom for one quick shower...
Upon returning to my room...I'm more or less often greeted by a knock on my foor....housmie just dropping by to say hi....then it's back to staring at notes, textbooks, assignments.....and hurried pen scrawls etching upon paper with chicken scrawls and pen smudges to complete the day's work....in an effort to beat time at it's own game...
ahh....then off the cycle begins....of a brand new day....
This past week, I've realized how my infatuation has slowly seeped away and my infatuation towards greeny has slowly dwindled down to nothingness..as though it too, has been chucked far into the trash bins as I cleared out and sorted my life to move 480 miles way just one week before....so much so I can't differentiate my feelings towards it anymore...no sadness no pain, just silence and so I lied back then when you asked when I claimed I no longer felt an ounce of pain, just silence...of infatuation towards him then, as it was like a silent addiction....which only creep it's way up in those cold bitter winter nights...when the mind is but an empty vast of mindless thoughts...
So here's a toast...to a brand new beginning, a slate wiped clean...and here's one last toast, to the diminishing infatuation....may you find the world of happiness in your life along the journey of life greeny....
Soul mate Pact:Updated rules cough cough
To my dearest Jean
Aiyah this is not a dying love letter la haiz haiz this is to clarify to you that based on your comment on the pact:
1. aiyah you swallow the pact also no use okay because i failed to inform you that err i bought a personal x ray machine so can still see okay the pact
2. Yoyo, also i installed blue tooth on the non destructible non decomposable pact, therefore at my whims, i can just switch on any bluetooth and download or access it okay cough cough...
Lihatlah pandanglah kecanggihan teknologi dunia baru haiz why la am i typing in bm haiz haiz
Ahhhh just got an email from professor die die why must go his office in person ah to talk to him, test me ah for my transfer course dowan la i don't remember a thing about the classT________________T is digging a 12 ft grave to hide in an option?
Aiyah this is not a dying love letter la haiz haiz this is to clarify to you that based on your comment on the pact:
1. aiyah you swallow the pact also no use okay because i failed to inform you that err i bought a personal x ray machine so can still see okay the pact
2. Yoyo, also i installed blue tooth on the non destructible non decomposable pact, therefore at my whims, i can just switch on any bluetooth and download or access it okay cough cough...
Lihatlah pandanglah kecanggihan teknologi dunia baru haiz why la am i typing in bm haiz haiz
Ahhhh just got an email from professor die die why must go his office in person ah to talk to him, test me ah for my transfer course dowan la i don't remember a thing about the classT________________T is digging a 12 ft grave to hide in an option?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Soul Mate Pact
This is a pact solely for the benefits of one half soulmate aka ME-lah haiz haiz so obvious can and cannot be breached or be questioned by the other half*beams because i am older so we follow chinese tradition cough cough on respecting your elder!!!*
The constitution states that:
1. In the even should I blubbie Jodie not be married by 30, Jean blubbie shall adopt me and let me live with her and never mention the term third wheel.
2. Consider this blubbie as an original member of the family and will always be considered as the head of the family hhohohoho minus any financial responsibilities thank you very much.
3. Jean blubbie should bear a minimum of four kids and Elder blubbie to play with but duties not inclusive..extra charge cough cough
4. Should Jean decide to go on honey moon vacation, must pack me along cause i'm scared of ghost therefore staying alone is not an option laT_T especially on the 7th month cough...
Haiz this is true chi mui love...okay bai bai very busy....
The constitution states that:
1. In the even should I blubbie Jodie not be married by 30, Jean blubbie shall adopt me and let me live with her and never mention the term third wheel.
2. Consider this blubbie as an original member of the family and will always be considered as the head of the family hhohohoho minus any financial responsibilities thank you very much.
3. Jean blubbie should bear a minimum of four kids and Elder blubbie to play with but duties not inclusive..extra charge cough cough
4. Should Jean decide to go on honey moon vacation, must pack me along cause i'm scared of ghost therefore staying alone is not an option laT_T especially on the 7th month cough...
Haiz this is true chi mui love...okay bai bai very busy....
Monday, August 25, 2008
Goodbye Hopes, So long Dreams.....
Yeah,I am being over reacting as dreams aren't exactly dashed completely.....BUT....
I am sitting in a cafe now and staring at the soup I ordered while sipping from my soda cup....
It's hard to eat when I'm sad...whoever eats when they are down, kudos to you.....cause I can't do it=(...my stomach tightens up and the sight of food makes me sick....
Got a lot of errands to run....will be so tired when night falls but things need to get done with, and what better way to occupy myself than having a negative cloud loom above me....
I am sitting in a cafe now and staring at the soup I ordered while sipping from my soda cup....
It's hard to eat when I'm sad...whoever eats when they are down, kudos to you.....cause I can't do it=(...my stomach tightens up and the sight of food makes me sick....
Got a lot of errands to run....will be so tired when night falls but things need to get done with, and what better way to occupy myself than having a negative cloud loom above me....
Saturday, August 16, 2008
escaping...
Today I did something which I knew wasn't right, but I can't help myself... I was supposed to present my poster at my deparment's symposium. But I went there, put my poster up, then ran away...I don't know, I just felt so pathetic and miserable there. People are like networking with each other, talking about their research and future collaborations, bosses too busy hooking up with other big shots to even notice me.. I was just standing there alone, looking like an idiot, nobody knows me and nobody bothers to (I'm a small fry ma). The worse part is, I don't feel like trying also, I don't feel like faking a smile and talking about things which don't interest me at all, pretending to be impressed or to be interested. I hate networking sessions. I ran away too during breaktimes when I attended a symposium few weeks ago when people are supposed to network and mingle with each other. Call me proud, or antisocial, or anything.. I don't like talking and getting to know people just for the sake of doing it. I don't like faking smiles when I'm not interested. I think, more importantly, I don't care about DNAs or microarrays or proteins. Maybe I'm running away from the fact that I'm not interested in research at all, the fact that research is not what I intend to do for my whole life. I evade topics regarding my future phd research, I evade responsibilities related to it also. I have second thoughts all the time, that I might switch jobs once I'm done with my loan, that I might just teach without doing a phd, that I might quit after masters... I chose money over passion. I chose my biggest dream over a smaller one. I don't even know if I'm making the correct decision, or whether I have the determination to stick with this decision...
embarassing moment of the day
Lol blubb, I told you last Friday then I went for this workshop right? Forgot to tell you this very embarassing and idiotic moment of mine T_T
Hrm.. so my boss is supposed to conduct the workshop and I'm supposed to go there, sit down, observe and learn. So before I went to the venue, I gave my boss a call since he's not there yet to remind him. My boss has a reputation for always being late, so I tot he won't come so soon mah... so they were serving refreshments there, and since I'm waiting, I took a plate and started filling it up with sandwiches and cakes. I was happily munching away and making small talk to the girl doing the registration when someone called me from behind. Turns out to be my colleague (sort of la), and he said my boss is inside the auditorium already and he can't find me, so he asked my colleague to come out and look for me. Soon after, my boss came out... and I looked at them while munching on my sandwich... I feel like burying my head into the hole la..... soooooo paiseh....
Hrm.. so my boss is supposed to conduct the workshop and I'm supposed to go there, sit down, observe and learn. So before I went to the venue, I gave my boss a call since he's not there yet to remind him. My boss has a reputation for always being late, so I tot he won't come so soon mah... so they were serving refreshments there, and since I'm waiting, I took a plate and started filling it up with sandwiches and cakes. I was happily munching away and making small talk to the girl doing the registration when someone called me from behind. Turns out to be my colleague (sort of la), and he said my boss is inside the auditorium already and he can't find me, so he asked my colleague to come out and look for me. Soon after, my boss came out... and I looked at them while munching on my sandwich... I feel like burying my head into the hole la..... soooooo paiseh....
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Haiyah I kiasu so must post again hiak hiak haiyak
Hohoho....working and not getting paid is a good thing for soul cleansing la cough cough....charity and volunteer work right?
Haiz tonight cannot procrastinate anymore...must pack like i'm an immigrant la....=x....cause tomorrow last day<=i pay till 13th means move out 14th right!!!like hotel right!!!!haiz....
Then by thursday i must get back to usual normal mode cause school is starting soon....so must guai guai sleep normal mode time....
eh i got nothing else to sayT_T...except yesterday while sitting in the cafe i was at war with the smokers*silently la somehow smokers always look very macho scary laT_T or very garang a bit okay T_T*....i was sitting at the only available table with a plug near it and it was in a non smoking section closest to smoking section and i dislike how to had to come closest to the barrier of the division and puff towards my direction as though i deserve to die earlier than them so they bomb me with smokeT_T
Haiz tonight cannot procrastinate anymore...must pack like i'm an immigrant la....=x....cause tomorrow last day<=i pay till 13th means move out 14th right!!!like hotel right!!!!haiz....
Then by thursday i must get back to usual normal mode cause school is starting soon....so must guai guai sleep normal mode time....
eh i got nothing else to sayT_T...except yesterday while sitting in the cafe i was at war with the smokers*silently la somehow smokers always look very macho scary laT_T or very garang a bit okay T_T*....i was sitting at the only available table with a plug near it and it was in a non smoking section closest to smoking section and i dislike how to had to come closest to the barrier of the division and puff towards my direction as though i deserve to die earlier than them so they bomb me with smokeT_T
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