escaping...

Today I did something which I knew wasn't right, but I can't help myself... I was supposed to present my poster at my deparment's symposium. But I went there, put my poster up, then ran away...I don't know, I just felt so pathetic and miserable there. People are like networking with each other, talking about their research and future collaborations, bosses too busy hooking up with other big shots to even notice me.. I was just standing there alone, looking like an idiot, nobody knows me and nobody bothers to (I'm a small fry ma). The worse part is, I don't feel like trying also, I don't feel like faking a smile and talking about things which don't interest me at all, pretending to be impressed or to be interested. I hate networking sessions. I ran away too during breaktimes when I attended a symposium few weeks ago when people are supposed to network and mingle with each other. Call me proud, or antisocial, or anything.. I don't like talking and getting to know people just for the sake of doing it. I don't like faking smiles when I'm not interested. I think, more importantly, I don't care about DNAs or microarrays or proteins. Maybe I'm running away from the fact that I'm not interested in research at all, the fact that research is not what I intend to do for my whole life. I evade topics regarding my future phd research, I evade responsibilities related to it also. I have second thoughts all the time, that I might switch jobs once I'm done with my loan, that I might just teach without doing a phd, that I might quit after masters... I chose money over passion. I chose my biggest dream over a smaller one. I don't even know if I'm making the correct decision, or whether I have the determination to stick with this decision...