Soul Mate Pact

This is a pact solely for the benefits of one half soulmate aka ME-lah haiz haiz so obvious can and cannot be breached or be questioned by the other half*beams because i am older so we follow chinese tradition cough cough on respecting your elder!!!*

The constitution states that:

1. In the even should I blubbie Jodie not be married by 30, Jean blubbie shall adopt me and let me live with her and never mention the term third wheel.
2. Consider this blubbie as an original member of the family and will always be considered as the head of the family hhohohoho minus any financial responsibilities thank you very much.
3. Jean blubbie should bear a minimum of four kids and Elder blubbie to play with but duties not inclusive..extra charge cough cough
4. Should Jean decide to go on honey moon vacation, must pack me along cause i'm scared of ghost therefore staying alone is not an option laT_T especially on the 7th month cough...


Haiz this is true chi mui love...okay bai bai very busy....

Goodbye Hopes, So long Dreams.....

Yeah,I am being over reacting as dreams aren't exactly dashed completely.....BUT....

I am sitting in a cafe now and staring at the soup I ordered while sipping from my soda cup....

It's hard to eat when I'm sad...whoever eats when they are down, kudos to you.....cause I can't do it=(...my stomach tightens up and the sight of food makes me sick....

Got a lot of errands to run....will be so tired when night falls but things need to get done with, and what better way to occupy myself than having a negative cloud loom above me....

escaping...

Today I did something which I knew wasn't right, but I can't help myself... I was supposed to present my poster at my deparment's symposium. But I went there, put my poster up, then ran away...I don't know, I just felt so pathetic and miserable there. People are like networking with each other, talking about their research and future collaborations, bosses too busy hooking up with other big shots to even notice me.. I was just standing there alone, looking like an idiot, nobody knows me and nobody bothers to (I'm a small fry ma). The worse part is, I don't feel like trying also, I don't feel like faking a smile and talking about things which don't interest me at all, pretending to be impressed or to be interested. I hate networking sessions. I ran away too during breaktimes when I attended a symposium few weeks ago when people are supposed to network and mingle with each other. Call me proud, or antisocial, or anything.. I don't like talking and getting to know people just for the sake of doing it. I don't like faking smiles when I'm not interested. I think, more importantly, I don't care about DNAs or microarrays or proteins. Maybe I'm running away from the fact that I'm not interested in research at all, the fact that research is not what I intend to do for my whole life. I evade topics regarding my future phd research, I evade responsibilities related to it also. I have second thoughts all the time, that I might switch jobs once I'm done with my loan, that I might just teach without doing a phd, that I might quit after masters... I chose money over passion. I chose my biggest dream over a smaller one. I don't even know if I'm making the correct decision, or whether I have the determination to stick with this decision...

embarassing moment of the day

Lol blubb, I told you last Friday then I went for this workshop right? Forgot to tell you this very embarassing and idiotic moment of mine T_T

Hrm.. so my boss is supposed to conduct the workshop and I'm supposed to go there, sit down, observe and learn. So before I went to the venue, I gave my boss a call since he's not there yet to remind him. My boss has a reputation for always being late, so I tot he won't come so soon mah... so they were serving refreshments there, and since I'm waiting, I took a plate and started filling it up with sandwiches and cakes. I was happily munching away and making small talk to the girl doing the registration when someone called me from behind. Turns out to be my colleague (sort of la), and he said my boss is inside the auditorium already and he can't find me, so he asked my colleague to come out and look for me. Soon after, my boss came out... and I looked at them while munching on my sandwich... I feel like burying my head into the hole la..... soooooo paiseh....

Haiyah I kiasu so must post again hiak hiak haiyak

Hohoho....working and not getting paid is a good thing for soul cleansing la cough cough....charity and volunteer work right?

Haiz tonight cannot procrastinate anymore...must pack like i'm an immigrant la....=x....cause tomorrow last day<=i pay till 13th means move out 14th right!!!like hotel right!!!!haiz....

Then by thursday i must get back to usual normal mode cause school is starting soon....so must guai guai sleep normal mode time....

eh i got nothing else to sayT_T...except yesterday while sitting in the cafe i was at war with the smokers*silently la somehow smokers always look very macho scary laT_T or very garang a bit okay T_T*....i was sitting at the only available table with a plug near it and it was in a non smoking section closest to smoking section and i dislike how to had to come closest to the barrier of the division and puff towards my direction as though i deserve to die earlier than them so they bomb me with smokeT_T

Me turn to talk =P

Blubbs.. Long time never see you online, yeah let's keep in touch with this blog. My turn to talk.. cough. clears throat.

Well, for my side, school has just started this Monday. So I gave my virgin practical lesson on the first day of school. Was so nervous the day before that I couldn't sleep! For some reason I felt a little depressed too, on the day before, thinking to myself what mess have I gotten myself into =( But well, the first lesson turned out fine, it was pretty fun actually, torturing students (oopss, I mean guiding them). And the students are pretty cheeky and responsive too =) Felt a sense of satisfaction after teaching the first lesson. Hrmm.. after all, life is about moving out of your comfort zone and trying new things and meeting new challenges, that's what I've always believed..

On a not-so-good note, my application for Singapore Permanent Resident is delayed because of this rule stating that your appointment date must not be before you apply for PR. So the 1 hour trip I spent going to the immigration office, and the half an hour I've spent queuing up to get a ticket was wasted. I have to get the appointment date postponed (means I start to get paid later!!) and I have to go back to the immigration office tomorrow. Argh.. I don't know, I just felt like crying on the spot when the lady told me that I'll have to change the date before they will accept my application.

It's like the more and harder I work, the less I get paid and the poorer I am. I feel so helpless. I have already started work in school in July unofficially, but the office told me they can't pay me between the month of July till the date of my official appointment as a full-time staff because I can't be considered as one, and they're still looking for other avenues to pay me (probably as a part-time staff or something). My loan has started running and so now I'm basically borrowing money from my mother to pay off my loan and my rent.. on top of that, BOTH my ex-employers (the kiwi one and the meanine ang moh) still owe me pay even though I keep on reminding them to. It feels so sucky when all the money you've worked so hard to earn just evaporated into thin air, and you'll have to borrow to get on with life. And the fact that your ex-meanine ang moh boss, who agreed to pay you after hurling so much words of abuse, just didn't reply to any of your e-mails, blocked you on msn and stopped your email account didn't help at all. I don't know. Seems like I may be better off rotting at home, since I don't get paid for anything anyway, and I'm wasting money traveling to and fro my workplace, eating lunch etc =_= This just sucks, and I got so depressed on the journey back to work. But never mind me, I forgot about it soon after lunch..

Anyways, I decided to lodge a complaint against my boss in the ministry of manpower. I do hope that the employment act covers part time employees as well. I don't really want to do it, I feel so bad, but at the same time I'm so sick and tired of sending e-mails to get my pay with no reply whatsover. I've sent him a final reminder to pay me and told him that I'll go to the ministry next week. Maybe he'll reply me with some mean words again.. Bahh.. This is your Jean, with money going out but no money coming in, though she goes for work everyday. Do you still wanna hug me T_T

And it shall play it's role....

So finally this blog is serving it's true purpose...the true intention we had for it which was to keep in touch with one another daily when we're unable to keep in touch with what not of our rubbish nonsense through msn....

I am currently in the cafe now holding my bladder la okay!!!!you noe if i give up this seat i won't be able to come back to one with an available plug okay!!!!<=kiasu la....

Weather has taken to a change..it's much colder now....and the leaves are turning colour....while the flowers mom planted while she was here is slowly beginning to dry up....no more cheerful cluster of colours greeting me each time i open my doors to leave home...

spend the weekend cooking for friends...then helping another move the rest of my saturday....was superbly exhausted....I cooked enough to feed an army in africa okay....but pictures had to be taken with my phone as this klutz left her camera at home....

Why did i cook so much?i have no clue...so i made for them:

nasi lemak with chicken curry and sambal belacan long beans, kiam chai thng, milo swirl cupcake with peanut butter and chocolate chip cookie crumble frosting, ginger and honey cupcake, victorian sponge sandwich cake with cherry filling, apricot jam cookie sandwich, and apricot glaze cupcakes top with one measly almond cause i can't leave my cupcakes naked can I?

it's been a week since i last talk to you...and I am hereby admitting my withdrawal symptoms of msn huggles...because I had shamelessly for no apparent reason just screamed out hug jean subconsciously in public out loudT_T....

I've also learnt that I am the exact counterpart needed to encounter kids according to my friends and their familiesT_T because I apparently am able to work well with retorting their cheekiness...and fit right in with them lahT_T

I am also too short in comparison to a 9 year old kid as when we but hit i ended up getting the rough side of it and almost toppled overT_T...i am just as tall as the nine year old girl...

It's getting cold in the cafe so much so that I am all ready to just grab anyone and hug themT_T<=seriously.no.i'm not that insane...but it is without a doubt cold.

My life is nowhere now....i still have no clue if i am moving out of state or not but for sure..i'll be homeless in 2 days time...=( and I've yet to pack....talk about procrastination eh..le sigh..tonight is going to be a long night....

So blubbie...how was your day?

Gratitude

Time waits for no man...Once it flies past, there no point of return..no fast forwarding...no rewinding...

Certain mistakes and decisions made now or in the past stays for life...nothing will ever change them.Ever.

Words said, actions taken can never be taken back.

For each ticking second that passes by, is every second of life lived.

So no point of regretting actions which has been done for...

Eh blubbie...I have too much free time in my hands these past few days therefore I've been working on details such as financial planning on our future dreams....Before you accuse me of being long winded I do have to tell you how grateful I am to have you around=)...No one could find a greater best friend in the whole wide world okay(on a side note since I am gracefully cough cough praising you, could you please take me in as a third wheel if i were never to marry cough cough and adopt me hoho). Thanks for always considering all my wacko whims on our dreams....most of of thanks for always being around in spirit and words la(msn cough) daily....you have no idea how excited i get just by having you around to chat with daily(eh why does this sound a tad bit like an obsession).

Seriously, who could find a bestie blubbie who would fulfill my dreams with me, so much so as to compromise our future situations years from now...make plans with me for decades to come...always willing to give a lending hand when I need it...console me..hoho....scold me when I really need none(haiz things i do for you too seeee lah)

If all works out as plan, we'll be able to work out everything in a matter of 4 years....and hope that things would fall into place one by one=)

I somehow stumbled upon some old primary friends blogs...to see them so happy together still in the same group after this many years brings back a little envy in me...i too wish i had that kind of friendship...but who am I to complain when I have two greatest girls which ironically are on two opposite end of the country..one north one south...like a magnet....haiz...

Words could not described my gratitude towards the two of you....and how much I miss having you guys around....

I memang super emo this days and I can't explain why...err blame it on the ever changing weather...

So lots of hugggggggggggggggggs....

Eh eh extra side note to the best friend/sister/auntyla in the north eh don't worry if you planning on getting married anytime soon right...i will get the next flight back okay dont worry......*all expenses sponsored for by the bestie in the south....cough cough

Time to grow up

Lol, since you talked about growing up and facing the big bad world.. I shall talk about growing up too (Actually you copy me lah, I wanted to write about growing up one.. but who knows when I log in your post was already there, bang!).

Today I had a long, long talk with my dear friend (he was unexceptionally talkative today). We talked about how ourselves and people around us have changed over these few years, or rather grown up. He used to go after girls based on looks, but now even when he see pretty girls he don't feel like going after them already. He said he has matured and now, he's not shy in asking girls out anymore, nor does he mind being single. We observed that our friend, who used to be horny and desperate, is much more settled down now. And me, I used to be attracted to bad boys who are wild, fun-loving or who do not care a shit about the world, but now I realise I will be contented with an average, normal guy who just cares and will give me support and security. It's funny to see people who you have known forever evolve and change. It's like you're hanging out with a different bunch of people now, and you feel the pride like how you watch your son graduate or something like that. Gone were the wild days where we used to walk home together everyday talking about everything under the sun, the days where we used to spend our recess scaring our classmates through the window, the days where we were constantly rebelling our teachers... Yes, indeed, youth is wild, youth is madness, youth is not having to care about how the world will turn out tomorrow, though I couldn't see it at that time. As we grow up, we are handed doses after doses of reality, of competition, of survival, while we lock our true selves, all our innocence and dreams, into this big chest called 'memories of youth', to be put away, never to be opened again. We wake up everyday preparing for yet another battle to face the world and strive to emerge unscathed. Yes, it's tiring to face the world, it's depressing to see your youth and innocence shipped out of your sight. But, though lonely at times, I realize throughout this years, there are friends who are always beside me, silently, supporting me without question. Friends who doesn't care who and what will I become tomorrow, whom I can be completely comfortable with without the need for pretense. These are people who keep me going, giving me hope that life, is indeed beautiful. Especially dear friend whom I talked to today, thanks for always being there (though you probably will never admit it haha!) I really do appreciate it and you're always be an important friend in my life =)

Oops, I strayed from my intended topic. Anyway, seeing my friends' transformation, I guess it's time for me to grow up too. Maybe it's time for me to discard my silly pride, opinions and prejudices... and to pursue the things that really matter to me in life. These few months have really been a crash course for me, to learn about reality, love and life..

Are we there yet?

So this is it....here lies our future...

Gone were the days when we would be happily running around making silly faces...hopping around*though i am still very much a kid at 22 cough cough*

What would the outcome be?Would our dreams come through, or would they be but a mere spec high above...unreachable...a gaze to the distance?

Now that it's a new beginning of lives without financial support from family....the true meaning of standing on one's own two feet...

Financial woes....of budgeting, planning for the future...

down payments soon to come....families to support along the way sometime in the future...

An unexplainable emotion....a mixture of excitement tied down by a looming fear....

Honestly blubbie, I have mix feelings....I hate to admit it but I was quite happy when you could accept my decision on postponing our plans for our ventures and in being housmies again to a mere 4 years compared to the 2 years planned ahead..

Reason being is I am not sure what I truly want to do yet...as in living here to earn more first so that we could have enough to work our plans around with...

Or give in to homesickness...and return in less than 3 years....

So is growing up all about making decisions?

Four years...and I'll be back=)...back to my roots...

What is love 2?

Quite possibly, I'm the last person to ever talk about true love...

I don't think I've ever fallen in love...only fallen in like...

Let's call it like at first sight then...haha..so yeah...about my super ex crush<=let's not use the color nickname we've been using on him for the past 4 years okay seeing that many others too know that nick i think....

You're right when you say we tend to be blinded upon by our feelings to our conception of our the ideal prince charming of our dreams...

Never in a million years would I have thought I could fall for a guy who differs much from what I dreamed of...but i guess that's what like at first sight truly is...

Would I ever fall in love? who knows...maybe...maybe not...it's not something I could decide upon single handedly. It takes two to fall in not possible"...she said "i'm not trying to ruin your idea of love, it would be great if you could achieve it, but in this life, it's nearly impossible to find such love, as if you won't understand what you truly want in a spouse, or find the right one if you don't date a few others...and might just regret it in your later life".

Friends often ask, "still no boyfriend" as though it's an essential good I should have at this age. When the reply is "no"..the often go "tsk, you're too picky....too choosy"....oh how wrong they were...for it's not so much a matter of how picky I truly am, for I may kid around my essentially list of criteria a guy should have but it's all but a joke...I don't really have a list...for I know the reality, if we were to be nitpicking other's credentials, they too would have done the same...expectations are fine so long as they are reasonable...and practical...

So for now, I'm happy the way relationship goes...which is being single...for I'll wait till the day when I meet someone who could accept and love me for what I am and could be...I won't lie...there will be times when i wish I too had that special someone who would be there for me when I walk past a couple holding hands while strolling down the park...or smiling upon each other as though the world had nothing but their love...but it's those moments, that makes me realize...I won't settle for the sake of blending in with society,or the perceptions of others that being 22 means having a boyfriend....

So to my dear dear blubbie, kl convert might or might not be the one...give it some time..but don't give up hope okay.....I'm on your side=)....always...

What is love?

Haiya.. since you ask me to post something.. cincai la.. post random thoughts. BEWARE: Rubbish, crap T_T

Recently, I had alot of realizations about love. Don't mind me la, nothing better to do (or think about). First, I realised love is really blind, most of the time. You don't know when or why or how you fell into it. It's just this ridiculous growth within your heart suddenly, sweet at times, but irritating most of the time. What's more, in front of love, all your previous criteria about your prince charming, all your previous notions and illusion about true love and happy marriages just seem so vague and meaningless. For the person right before you, is nothing like what you've imagined your prince charming to be. Someone you'll never expect to be with, in your wildest thought, when you first knew him. But yet something about him attracts you so deeply, that you'll miss him when you're not there.. As absurd as it may seem, it's the first time I realised how truly missing someone feels, and I've never felt that way for yeffsamy.

What brings me together with yeffsamy? It's probably not true love, I know. For when he tells me he likes me, I never did think of being together with him, even though I told him I liked him as well. I never did feel the sense of joy and happines, I just felt nothing. I knew the answer right from the start. It was a mixture of silly impulse and haunting memories. For the day we went to watch a performance together was so like the day four years ago, when me and first crush went to watch a concert together. I keep telling myself, on that day, to never let an opportunity pass again. It was selfish of me. And the relationship was plain disastrous, an illusion..
for months after the relationship, I was busy enjoying my freedom, not thinking of getting into a relationship at all.

And now, I feel and think differently. Maybe I've fully put the past behind me now. I no longer shun the thought of having a relationship, even if there's no future. I even think marriage is not such a horrifying thing, after all. I no longer compare kl convert with first crush, as I can't think of any ways that they are similar or any situation with him that reminds me of first crush.

Oh well, I know this will be a major disappointment and nothing will come out of it. Still, at least, I get a chance to realise what loving someone really feels like. Love is, loving someone for who they are, not for who they seem to be. Love is, unconditional. (I know these lines are cliche and you see them everywhere, but to read and to experience is a totally different thing)

Hermit Hey ho Hey ho....

So true to the title, I have been and am being much of a hermit lately...ever since I've moved to the States really...

I think it all started when happiness ceased to exist in my first time living with others under one roof while away....What's with people I do not get along with, troubles and fire in the soul made me auto shut my self. What's with rumors of what nots spreading around about me which I do not know of but people who once knew me finding about makes me how I am...

Friends I made here have told me that ever since that semester, it seems as though I have always build a wall along the way..always reserved...A wall which I had put on for fear of being rumored upon...

Funnily enough, even though I had always pretended as though it never affected me, it made me even more of a hermit as I was beginning to think that if I kept to myself even more, people are less likely to find fault in me or have things to say...but that didn't help either as then some people think i am a stuck up snot who thinks of herself as to be better than others, by not mixing with her own countrymen.

That was the end of it really....I cried when talking to my dad on the phone...up till that day I never realize how much I had bottled in me...see the lousy thing about me is that i wear my emotions on my sleeves...try as hard as i may to bite my tongue...i would always end up crying when confronted...but my dad never falters.........he told me it doesn't matter....let them spread all those rumors as they like even if it isn't true and that I should always keep my chin up and know that family will always be there for me..and if people chose to believe those rumors, then they are and will never be my my true friends.....

I've learnt that it takes two sides and that i could have been very much at fault for any fallouts that happened on the first semester.

True, I may not have always been the most friendly person in the whole wide world...but that's only the exterior as I have always have a fear that at first glance, people might not like me or might find me a tad annoying, therefore the first impression of being cold and unfriendly, which is not helped much by my fearfully unsmiling face.

Smiling has not been my thing...so that explains my feature of looking fierce. On top of that, I am not one with high confidence, especially when it comes to looks....a face covered in acne has always made me cast my eyes down upon the floor..I think it is mostly the reason as to why i never had bangs as I could always hide my face behind my hair......

I've lost many a friends I made in college....for lack of communication and keeping in touch made me even more reserved. Partly the reason for it has been me feeling insecure if they don't remember me or could barely find topics to talk about...

Ironically, I do tend to make friends easily, but keeping in touch with them has been the hard part...so I've always been grateful for a handful of friends who mean the world to me...even as we are all scattered miles apart from one another...

Sometimes I feel as though all this while I've been putting up a front....just to hide away from how i truly feel about things...

Gone were the fire breathing me back in high school....even though I tend to be all bubbly and talk about the most rubbish stuff the world could ever think of, I've lost the fire within....for some of it was a mere facade to hide what I truly feel...

Nevertheless, even so, I've been happy...though some days felt lonesome....I've sense that I've grown up much...

And grateful for everything I have...

Especially now, when I have put the past behind...things may not always go as planned, true that not everyone will have a good impression of me...but what counts is that I've tried and will not let them get to me as easily anymore...

As for those who do count, I've also learned that friends of such should always be kept connected...no matter how much an effort it takes..=)

So here's to a new beginning..an end of a curse i cast upon myself...