Hermit Hey ho Hey ho....

So true to the title, I have been and am being much of a hermit lately...ever since I've moved to the States really...

I think it all started when happiness ceased to exist in my first time living with others under one roof while away....What's with people I do not get along with, troubles and fire in the soul made me auto shut my self. What's with rumors of what nots spreading around about me which I do not know of but people who once knew me finding about makes me how I am...

Friends I made here have told me that ever since that semester, it seems as though I have always build a wall along the way..always reserved...A wall which I had put on for fear of being rumored upon...

Funnily enough, even though I had always pretended as though it never affected me, it made me even more of a hermit as I was beginning to think that if I kept to myself even more, people are less likely to find fault in me or have things to say...but that didn't help either as then some people think i am a stuck up snot who thinks of herself as to be better than others, by not mixing with her own countrymen.

That was the end of it really....I cried when talking to my dad on the phone...up till that day I never realize how much I had bottled in me...see the lousy thing about me is that i wear my emotions on my sleeves...try as hard as i may to bite my tongue...i would always end up crying when confronted...but my dad never falters.........he told me it doesn't matter....let them spread all those rumors as they like even if it isn't true and that I should always keep my chin up and know that family will always be there for me..and if people chose to believe those rumors, then they are and will never be my my true friends.....

I've learnt that it takes two sides and that i could have been very much at fault for any fallouts that happened on the first semester.

True, I may not have always been the most friendly person in the whole wide world...but that's only the exterior as I have always have a fear that at first glance, people might not like me or might find me a tad annoying, therefore the first impression of being cold and unfriendly, which is not helped much by my fearfully unsmiling face.

Smiling has not been my thing...so that explains my feature of looking fierce. On top of that, I am not one with high confidence, especially when it comes to looks....a face covered in acne has always made me cast my eyes down upon the floor..I think it is mostly the reason as to why i never had bangs as I could always hide my face behind my hair......

I've lost many a friends I made in college....for lack of communication and keeping in touch made me even more reserved. Partly the reason for it has been me feeling insecure if they don't remember me or could barely find topics to talk about...

Ironically, I do tend to make friends easily, but keeping in touch with them has been the hard part...so I've always been grateful for a handful of friends who mean the world to me...even as we are all scattered miles apart from one another...

Sometimes I feel as though all this while I've been putting up a front....just to hide away from how i truly feel about things...

Gone were the fire breathing me back in high school....even though I tend to be all bubbly and talk about the most rubbish stuff the world could ever think of, I've lost the fire within....for some of it was a mere facade to hide what I truly feel...

Nevertheless, even so, I've been happy...though some days felt lonesome....I've sense that I've grown up much...

And grateful for everything I have...

Especially now, when I have put the past behind...things may not always go as planned, true that not everyone will have a good impression of me...but what counts is that I've tried and will not let them get to me as easily anymore...

As for those who do count, I've also learned that friends of such should always be kept connected...no matter how much an effort it takes..=)

So here's to a new beginning..an end of a curse i cast upon myself...