Turn back time.....

Remember how we were talking on msn about it.....

Somehow i wish this was possible,to undo all the misery i've cause, to undo all wrongs....to make things better somehow=(

There's so much i wish i could undo...but i guess there never will be the chance seeing that i've taken things for granted...

Looking back, there's so much i could have done to be a better person...but it's too late to even think about it anymore...

Maybe it's been months of babbling cause i really fear bout the last few months of studies.....i really can't fail to pass everythingT_T.....what am I going to do.....how many years of school has it been seeing that i decided to changes things....

I've let down too many people in the past....

I've also realized that I'm exactly the kind of person who keeps to herself if i ever need help or get into trouble...

People think it's silly and stupid but they fail to understand that my logic is that if I get myself into trouble, it's bad enough to put myself into misery so much so that i should not drag anyone down with me. I look at it in such that I know i've disappointed myself so much...i couldn't bear to look anyone in the eyes and see the pain and disappointment they are bound to show.


It's true that no man's an island....but I have faith in myself each time I have to get out of unwanted situations....eventually I will even though it may not be the most ideal method, I know I want to correct things bad enough that I'll research through matters to find methods to resolve things...

So I guess funnily enough, without much realization, I'm a lot more independent that I give myself credit for...

...

or Life Too Short...


Happy thoughts runs through my mind when I see a cute 60 year old couple strolling on the road
hand in hand...smiling to each other...as though time freezes and all they see is each other..

I guess there's just so many kinds of different achievements in life....everyone runs to
catch up with the first which is a career...then when that's in the bag, people yearn for
companionship....and the lucky ones find someone who sticks with them through thick and thin
for years to come...

Then happy thoughts mellows when you get in your car on your way driving home....and you hear
the sirens blasting through the air....as you stop the drive to pull aside,does it ever run
through your head that:

For each siren that sounds,it comes along with fear,pain,sorrow...

Not for us who drives along....but for the person the siren is sounding for....

That someone could be in pain......and fearing for their lives...while a loved one is

in sorrow for fear or worries running through their minds as help is on the way...

Or that someone out there is fearful....of losing something.....as a fire blazes through...

there's so much in life that we've taken for granted...

I know I have....what about you?

So it's not a generic message when you hear people reminding you each and every day

to take the time to tell your loves ones you care....

to take the effort, to make someone's day as when a smiles broadens upon the person's face,

inevitably, it makes you happier right there and then...

I know I can't take back any misery I've caused...

But I can make a change...

For life's too short...

And each day is precious as you make it...

People may come and go...

But memories linger on for life...

For life's too short...

To make misery a friend....

As crying over spilt milk...

Is a fruitless effort....

Best left undone....

Ber-Emo-ing

Sianz....sianz....sianz....

Long week....bad days.....

It's days like this when I feel like just throwing a blanket over me...and just curl over and sleep....

It's days like this when it feels like a facade.....trap in a pantomime....all smiles and cheeriness when I really feel like whacking those moles popping game in the arcade....who says violence doesn't solve anything sure hasn't played that fame well enough...

It's days like this when the wall feels like it's crumbling....

It's days like this when the world feels like an abyss...

Yes I'm quite clear about my wallowing in self pity moments here..

But....

It's days like this when I couldn't care less and could very well used up my self pity token and just bawl out like the wimpy baby I'm feeling right now...

Happy....boohooo....Chinese.....boohoo......New YearT____________T

Why why.....oh why .......

Three years...tiga tahun.....三年......of no chinese new year....of no listening to dong dong chiang....eating kuah chee....seeing mumsie and aunty busy in the kitchen....getting money from grampa to eat ice cream=x.....asking dad to bring me to the beach with the cousins........

Ahem....so maybe my family hasn't been the usual traditional family celebration*cough cough*.....whereby our family reunion at gramps place is made out of taking turns eating because there's too many of us to be around in one dining table*cough cough*...but we're always together as a family watching tv....passing pringles to everyone because we're gluttons=x......

Also we don't gamble around..a.hahahhahaa....but we dress up in new clothes okay...very nicely too after waking up in my jammies and changing at 12 noon...then hiding upstairs in gramps place when my jie jie is not around*cough cough* because I dunno what I should greet people since calling them aunty uncle nia is not acceptable to some.....T________________T.....then hor...none of my cousins can help!!!!!!why liddat one...!!!!!!just because they are my aunt's kids so call different names...!!!!then ask my mother...she go ask my father....then hor my father tells me nvm....call aunty uncle also canT____________T....why liddat one you tell me.....

Ahem...so the theme was Chinese New Year.....

Besides food hor, I love angpowsT________________T...these past three years i get 0...!!!!!!KOSONG!!!!!!!ZERO!!!!!!!LIANG!!!!!why liddat one you people..have mercy on me can....boohoooohoooo

I wish my mumsie gong xi fa cai..she says yea..but no angpow...cause you already am so expensive living in USA...T_T....then my sister pula..not married cannot askT_____________________T.....why la...T___________T...kill all joy.....

Yaya..then today at work i was telling my angmoh boss...eh michael.....you know it's tradition to give red packets...angpow.....then he looked at me and laughed leh!!!!then proceeded to say here you can have this senate congress book(a humongous 500 page hard covered red book) and take it down to reference people!!!!!!why boss liddat oneT_________________T....but then hor..i think he's not married*cough cough* and also not chinese*cough cough*

Also I was thinking to myself..never mind..i can get into the spirits of chinese new year.....no new clothes also can wear nice nice right.....then i peep outside the window...snow on the ground....if i wear boots what if i slip and fall la!!!!then how then how....die malunya...dowan...boots and skirt also might be too dress up for work and school...somemore my class is all guys no girls...later they think this bag lady dressing girl why suddenly wear liddat......then they think i hamsap how how!!!

Okie...enough of wallowing in self pity.....

Oh, by the way I spend my CHinese New year working, studying then sleeping by 8pmT__________________T...so now i am wide awake doing assignments at 3am......

So happy chinese new year...gong xi fa cai....feel free to split your angpow collection 50/50 with me*cough**jean*cough*

Oh yeah about your last post hor.....no la!!!i wrote it day before the car thingT_T....I wrote it after I saw the bus crash thing so I got a tad nostalgic...somemore i saw a crash in a ditch on the highway the other day with surrounding firemen and police car....and smoke leh.....then other time saw a car turn turtle....drive= not safe, waiting for bus also not safe okay...must stand a distance away cause car losing control ends up skidding towards the bus stand.....

Anyway...it's the weekends...so time for happy thoughts!!!!(erm none....why...cause I have to take TB AND FLU SHOT TO HELP OUT AT THE HOSPITALT_____________________T)

Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts*squeezes basil the bear*

Hand in Hand

Boo....no....nobody made me miserable in college=).....but uni life is so different.....blah......people.....all sorts of people>.<.......but regardless who cares....I guess my dad is right..why care what people say if I know it's not true(not easy though at timesT_T)....my college life was fun thanks to you...hohoho.....imagine how lucky I was that my roomie was allergic to carpet therefore we moved to Apt A403....(stop cringing....it was your luckiest day okay...stop pretending to drop dead on the floor!!!!)....I know how people that often visit our apartment really are...but they were you friends...so regardless of how i thought they might truly be, it was best to think they were all nice and cute out of respect for you.=)......doesn't mean I actually felt that way...sorry.......I'm horrible I know....

Somehow the reason as to why I became so cincai is because like I've said to you once, we've only have one lifetime...might as well make the best of it...why make enemies....let's just separate on good terms....doesn't mean I'm trying to butt kiss people....but let's just not give some people all the more reasons to wreck havoc=)....Seeing others happy makes us happy too right...hahaha....

Anyway...blubbie...today it was like valentine's day...an early one....I dunno why....but I was driving down the road and at a red light, I saw a couple in their late 50s walk to the car....the spouse actually opened the door for her and held it while she settled in...so sweet.....

That was only the first incident....the second was at bookstore....it has a coffee place, and here there was a cute couple also in their golden age....the husband got the wife her drink.....then with the other,they walked hand in hand...so cuteT____________T.....

If that's not enough on my way back I saw another older couple togetherT______________T.....and the man gave the lady a peck on the forehead....so cute...they looked so content....

I Miss My PARENTS T___________T.......

Maybe someday we might be just as lucky as these couples and find someone who would stand by ourside forever.....as we slowly age, and walk hand in hand taking in the breeze of the ocean air while waiting for the sun to set=) ( if all else fails and I cannot find a guy die die la.....i will make you hold hand with me...even if I have to drag you.....and if you are married...cincailah...let me be third wheelT___________T.....I will be very quiet while I hold both you guys hands tightly...why la I so memalukan oneT_T........confirm I cannot write emotional pieces la.....Actually I canlah okay...wait la wait next post I write very touching one.....on how I die die must be loyal to a crush=.='''')

What If....

So blubbie,

Guess what, today out of the blue, an old friend from college talked to me on msn...and it's been 2 years since I last heard from him. It's funny how I've always felt as though he was my brother and now a total stranger....

To be honest, I don't feel like seeing him......cause of all the things he's been hearing from the grapvines...I don't want him to have the impression that I'm no longer the friend he knew back then.....or get the idea that I'm that of the person whom others have described....

One thing's for sure...though I may not be that girl they think I am.......vicious or evil or something along that line, I have changed. I tense up and build a wall against myself when people get too personal....for it's as though I need to have my guards up in case anyone of them is one of those people talking behind my back....

I don't want someone whom I use to confine in look at me in a different eye....or maybe he's no longer considers me as a friend and was just trying to be courteous saying that we'll meet up since he's here....

So I may be wrong and he will not judged, but there will always be the feeling that he will wonder if I was ever the person they say I am....

On a happy note, I've finally opened your package..thank you..me likie the snowglobe, so pretty....and I went swimming today...so relaxing....